Medically the evaluation by Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, CST — created by crystal Raypole ~ above November 25, 2020

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Where love exists, so does the possibility of heartbreak, and also at some point, you may realize you and your partner have actually no future together. Even when this truth is perfectly clear, finishing the relationship have the right to still be pretty hard — particularly when girlfriend cohabitate.

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If did you do it come far sufficient to relocate in together, girlfriend likely have actually some pretty strong feelings because that each other. Calling the quits, then, might seem like a waste. However love and also positive to the can’t get over every obstacle, and staying in an unfulfilling relationship will most likely leave girlfriend both miserable down the line.

Not all relationships thrive, but this expertise may no make your breakup procedure any easier. The possibility of breaking up once you live together can feel even more stressful, and also that’s certain normal. If you’re not sure just how to begin, we’re below to help. Our overview can help you navigate the breakup through consideration and also respect, for her partner and also yourself.


Getting ready

Relationships finish for any variety of reasons.

Perhaps a couple of months of sharing living an are cast irradiate on a couple of key problems — late nights out v no communication, disrespect because that your personal space, or on regular basis forgotten chores. Possibly you ignored these troubles at first, hope they’d deal with themselves. Once that no happen, friend tried to deal with them, however your initiatives had little impact.

The details circumstances could vary, however once you establish there’s no method forward, finishing things sooner quite than later can save you both time and also pain.

Decide what come say

Chances are, you’ve invested a the majority of time thinking around breaking up before making up your mind. Currently you’re certain, yet you still no sure how to call them.

Everyone’s situation looks a little different, for this reason there’s no collection script to follow. If you feel a tiny stuck, these guidelines can help:

Be honest. It deserve to feel tempting to soften the blow v white lies, however ask yourself exactly how you’d feel in their position. You’d more than likely want to understand what yes, really went wrong, so display them the very same courtesy. Keep things simple. Limit her explanation come a few main issues instead of share a perform of grievances. Avoid unnecessary blame. Accusing castle of damaging your partnership or taking the blame you yourself won’t aid anyone. Try to stick to a more neutral explanation.

Prepare for questions

Most civilization want answers before they can involved terms v a breakup, for this reason they may ask why.

It may not help them come hear every solitary detail — “You’re terrible at dishwashing,” “You choose boring TV,” “You never listen to anything i say.” Still, supplying some explanation the big-picture troubles could aid them make transforms that enhance the outcome of their next relationship.

It’s understandable to regret hurting them, but your very first priority is supporting yourself. With that in mind, try brainstorming answers that reflect your needs, no their faults:

“When it comes to communication, we’re simply not ~ above the exact same page.”“I view myself with someone that shares the very same priorities around finances and household responsibilities.”“We have actually such different interests that ns don’t feel linked when we spend time together.”

Give lock time

After the conversation, they might feel stunned, devastated, angry, and also confused. Girlfriend can’t assist how they feel, yet you have the right to offer compassion and kindness by providing them room to process.

Even if you’re planning to relocate out, market them some time alone before you start packing up. Have actually an overnight bag with essentials all set to go, and collection a time because that you to come collect your things.

When the your house or apartment, they’ll require a couple of days, at the really least, to discover somewhere to stay. Setup to talk about boundaries and also sleeping arrangements. You might, for example, offer to sleep in the guest room or top top the sofa.

When you share a lease, you’ll likewise have to decide that goes, that keeps the deposit, and so on. Making a list of considerations beforehand can help you stop forgetting things in what might end up being a it is too dirty or emotionally situation.

Enlist support

Once you understand it’s time to break up, telling a couple of trusted friends and loved ones have the right to make your next steps much easier.

Your society circle deserve to offer emotional support, very first of all. That understandable to have actually conflicting feelings. Breakups can reason plenty that distress, also when friend initiate them. You’ve mutual your lives and also a home.

You could still love them and also grieve the crucial loss. But when love and regret give method to 2nd thoughts, love ones deserve to validate your decision and also remind you of the factors behind it. Friends and family can also offer a temporary place to continue to be and assist you move out.

If you worried around your partner’s reaction, ask a girlfriend to come over or wait outside. (Find tips because that navigating a breakup with an abusive partner here.)


You recognize what you want to say. You’ve practiced in front of the mirror, or with a friend, and you lastly feel prepared to have the talk.

These tips can aid you have a effective conversation.

Give them some warning

Clueing in your partner to the impending breakup can help them start processing what’s about to happen. They might have also noticed the exact same warning indications you have and currently feel the winds of change blowing in.

Instead the “We should talk,” together they’re headed out the door, try:

“I have actually something essential to discuss with you. Will certainly tonight work?”“I’d choose to have a talk about our relationship. Carry out you have actually time this evening?”

Choose a low-stress time

While it’s finest to talk as quickly as you make up your mind, you might wait a day or two if they’re encountering a huge deadline or an additional temporary resource of anxiety that requires their complete attention.

Since you’ll desire to plan for sufficient time to share your feelings and also hear theirs, avoid having actually the conversation in ~ bedtime or before work. If you have children, make sure they’re occupied and out that earshot.

Be clear and also kind

Aim to begin off by clearly stating your desire to break up so you avoid any misunderstandings.

Try:

“I treatment for you really much, however this partnership is no much longer working because that me. I want to break up.”

It deserve to feel scary come come out and say, “I’m break up with you.” however indirect options, choose “I nothing think things room working out” or “Maybe we must break up” deserve to lead to long conversations with unclear resolutions. You could remain certain in your desire to end things while castle walk away through the impression the it’s still possible to repair the relationship.

Stay calm

They could get upset, also angry or tearful. You can feel some emotions surging, too. That’s totally normal. Girlfriend care about each other, and you’ll both be impacted by this.

That doesn’t mean you need to let them scream at you or placed up with any type of other type of outburst. If things obtain heated, stop letting your own emotions acquire the better of you. Instead, leaving the room, get a drink that water, or take it a walk around the block. Call a friend if you feeling scared or unsafe.

If lock seem as well upset to continue talking, imply picking up the conversation when they feel calmer.

Give them a possibility to talk

Once you’ve described that you want to break up and why, the their rotate to talk. They’ll probably have plenty of feelings about your decision, and also listening empathically, through your complete attention, shows you respect those feelings.

Answer your questions, yet be mindful of circling or unproductive conversations. Don’t be afraid to finish the conversation if they keep complicated the breakup or asking you come reconsider.

Plan to revisit useful matters

You’ll need to talk about financial matters, such as splitting shared bills and dividing up thing you purchase together, including electronics, appliances, and furniture.

Still, sorting v finances and also shared possessions can be a an extensive process after also the most amicable breakup. If you feel overwhelmed best now, agree ~ above a time to walk over these vital details.


After you’ve had actually the breakup conversation, you could feel relieved that it’s finally over. However finalizing the end of her relationship deserve to open the door come some brand-new challenges, specifically if you’re break up in the middle of a pandemic.

What if we’re stuck with each other for a while?

You may not have the financial way to change your living instance right away. This can make friend think twice around breaking up, yet it’s generally best to talk it out fairly than preserve the partnership under false pretenses. Then you can have a open minded discussion about options for going forward.

Go right into the conversation through some research study under your belt. If you the one who requirements to relocate out, you could let them know you’ve been saving up for a deposit and outline your timeline because that finding a brand-new place. If they moved in with you, expand the exact same compassion you will do hope because that in their shoes and also give them time to process the breakup and also look because that a brand-new place come live.

When you own or rent together, next steps might involve negotiating a short-term plan to continue sharing space. This can be tricky, yet it’s no impossible, as long as you develop clear boundaries. Talk about who goes come the guest room or sofa and set up a schedule for common areas and time alone, if necessary.

COVID-19 considerations

Lockdowns and other constraints can cause serious complications for relationships and also breakups. On peak of your existing stress, you now have to navigate an additional life change and all the complicated emotions the come v it.

If one of two people of friend hasn’t to be working, you could not have the money come move. Continuing to be with family or friends can involve a quarantine period and various other extra precautions, if it’s even possible. If you have a new place lined up, you might struggle to uncover moving help.

As girlfriend navigate plans for moving out or temporarily proceeding to cohabitate:

Be patient, with yourself and with them.Agree top top what come tell friends about your situation.

What do we tell the kids?

Breakups become even more difficult when children are involved. You have the right to find an ext detailed guidance for co-parenting here, but these tips can get you started:

Decide together what you’ll tell them beforehand. If one partner isn’t the legitimate parent however still has a close relationship with the kids, take into consideration potential visiting arrangements. If girlfriend share legal custody, you may need come consult a lawyer. Talk to the kids together, if possible. It is in honest, but keep her explanation simple.Be ready for questions around the breakup and future living arrangements.

Don’t forget her pets — they’re family, too. Pet you lugged with friend will probably leave through you, but what if you adopted a furry girlfriend together? As long as you’re not leaving one abusive situation, consider setting up a co-ownership or visitation plan so you have the right to both spend time through your pet.


Now the it’s over, what next?

Don’t force friendship

You might want to keep a friendship after the breakup, yet they might not feeling the very same way, particularly if the breakup come as a surprised or far-ranging blow.

There might be room for friendship in time, particularly if you had a solve relationship. For now, though, it’s vital to respect their needs and give them space.

Take care of yourself

Yes, you made the selection to rest up, but you can still grieve your loss.

If friend felt strong enough about them to move in through them, you more than likely thought the relationship had actually lasting potential. Establish otherwise deserve to hurt fairly a bit, even if friend don’t instantly realize it amid the more pressing difficulties of finishing the relationship. When the dust settles, you can find you yourself overwhelmed with sadness, regret, loneliness, and also other emotions friend shoved aside.

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Good self-care practices have the right to always assist you cope, for this reason make an effort to stay active, seek support from friends, and spend time on relaxing hobbies.

Professional assistance can likewise help. A therapist can aid you work-related through lingering doubts, grief, and also other unresolved feelings about the breakup. Therapy likewise offers space to become more conscious that your donation to the relationship and also explore alters to enjoy much more successful relationships in the future.